Last December, my wife Roni and I were on a research ship. We stayed for 18 days in a tiny 8 by 10 foot twin room on the vessel—in bunkbeds—in order for us to be in Antarctica, South Georgia Island and The Falkland Islands. But staying in very close quarters with someone, even someone you love, can be trying. And inevitably, Roni got on my nerves. “I don’t care how you feel,” I found myself saying to my wife, “I don’t want to do that.” Roni responded “Well I don’t care how you feel. I want us to do it anyway.”
But then Roni did something remarkable: she turned into an adult. “Actually, I care very much about how you feel,” she said to me. “Your feelings matter enormously to me. In truth, I care very much how you feel.”
One of us (it was obviously her) had the presence of mind to look out for our relationship and not let a tense moment get worse. She was not giving into me, she was taking care of our marriage. In every relationship, there’s three of us: “you,” “me” and “us.” It’s important that you feel valued and heard, and it matters that I do as well. But equally significant—and sometimes more consequential—is whether either one of us is looking out for “us.” Our marriage becomes like a third person in our relationship: there’s you, me and us, and it’s vital to care for all three pretty much equally.